Serotonin

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  It’s a small, white, scored oval tablet.

  * * *

  I wake up at about five o’clock in the morning, sometimes six; my need is at its height, it’s the most painful moment in my day. The first thing I do is turn on the electric coffee maker; the previous evening I filled the water container with water and the coffee filter with ground coffee (usually Malongo, I’m still quite particular where coffee is concerned). I don’t smoke a cigarette before taking my first sip, it’s an obligation that I impose upon myself, a daily success that has become my chief source of pride (here I must admit, having said this, that electric coffee makers work quickly). The relief that comes from the first puff is immediate, startlingly violent. Nicotine is a perfect drug, a simple, hard drug that brings no joy, defined entirely by a lack, and by the cessation of that lack.

  * * *

  A few minutes later, after two or three cigarettes, I take a Captorix tablet with a quarter of a glass of mineral water – usually Volvic.

  * * *

  I’m forty-six, my name is Florent-Claude Labrouste and I hate my first name, which I think was inspired by two members of my family that my father and my mother each wished to honour; it’s all the more regrettable that I have nothing else to reproach my parents for, they were excellent parents in every respect, they did their best to arm me with the weapons required in the struggle for life, and if in the end I failed – if my life is ending in sadness and suffering – I can’t hold them responsible, but rather a regrettable sequence of circumstances to which I will return, and which is, in fact, the subject of this book; I have nothing to reproach my parents for apart from the tiny – irritating but tiny – matter of my first name; not only do I find the combination ‘Florent-Claude’ ridiculous, but I find each of its elements disagreeable in itself, in fact I think my first name misses the mark completely. Florent is too gentle, too close to the feminine Florence – in a sense, almost androgynous. It does not correspond in any way to my face, with its energetic features, even brutal when viewed from certain angles, and which has often (by some women in any case) been thought virile – but not at all, really not at all – as the face of a Botticelli queer. As to Claude, let’s not even mention it; it instantly makes me think of the Claudettes, and the terrifying image of a vintage video of Claude François shown on a loop at a party full of old queens comes back to mind as soon as I hear the name Claude.

  It isn’t hard to change your first name, although I don’t mean from a bureaucratic point of view – hardly anything is possible from a bureaucratic point of view. The whole point of bureaucracy is to reduce the possibilities of your life to the greatest possible degree when it doesn’t simply succeed in destroying them; from the bureaucratic point of view, a good citizen is a dead citizen. I am speaking more simply from the point of view of usage: one needs only to present oneself under a new name, and after several months or even just several weeks, everyone gets used to it; it no longer even occurs to people that you might have called yourself by a different first name in the past. In my case the operation would have been even easier since my middle name, Pierre, corresponds perfectly to the image of strength and virility that I wished to convey to the world. But I have done nothing, I have gone on being called by that disgusting first name Florent-Claude, and the best I have had from certain women (Camille and Kate, to be precise, but I’ll come back to that, I’ll come back to that) is that they stick to Florent. From society in general I have had nothing; I have allowed myself to be buffeted by circumstances on this point as on almost everything else, I have demonstrated my inability to take control of my life, the virility that seemed to emanate from my square face with its clear angles and chiselled features is in truth nothing but a decoy, a trick pure and simple – for which, it is true, I was not responsible. God had always disposed of me as he wished but I wasn’t, I really wasn’t; I have only ever been an inconsistent wimp and I’m now forty-six and I’ve never been capable of controlling my own life. In short, it seemed very likely that the second part of my life would be a flabby and painful decline, as the first had been.

  * * *

  The first known antidepressants (Seroplex, Prax) increased the level of serotonin in the blood by inhibiting its reabsorption by the 5-HT1 neurones. In early 2017, the discovery of Capton D-L opened up the way to a new generation of antidepressants that operated more simply by encouraging the liberation through exocytosis of serotonin produced at the level of the gastro-intestinal mucous membrane. By the end of that year, Capton D-L was on sale commercially under the name Captorix. It proved to be surprisingly successful overall, allowing patients to perform afresh the major rituals of a normal life within a developed society (washing, good neighbourliness, simple bureaucratic procedures), and unlike previous generations of antidepressants it did not encourage suicidal tendencies or self-harm.

  * * *

  The most undesirable side effects most frequently observed in the use of Captorix were nausea, loss of libido and impotence.

  * * *

  I have never suffered from nausea.

  The story starts in Spain, in the province of Almería, precisely five kilometres north of El Alquián, on the N340. It was early summer, probably about mid-July, some time towards the end of the 2010s – I seem to remember that Emmanuel Macron was President of the Republic. The weather was fine and extremely hot, as it always is in southern Spain at that time of year. It was early afternoon, and my 4x4 Mercedes G350 TD was in the car park of the Repsol service station. I’d just filled up with diesel, and I was slowly drinking a Coke Zero, leaning on the bodywork, prey to a growing sense of gloom at the idea that Yuzu would be arriving the next day, when a Volkswagen Beetle pulled up by the air pump.

  Two girls in their twenties got out, and even from a distance you could tell that they were ravishing; lately I’d forgotten how ravishing girls could be, so it came as a shock, like a fake and overdone plot twist. The air was so hot that it seemed to vibrate slightly, so that the tarmac of the car park created the appearance of a mirage. But the girls were real, and I panicked slightly when one of them came towards me. She had long light-chestnut hair, very slightly wavy, and she wore a thin leather band covered with coloured geometrical patterns around her forehead. Her breasts were more or less covered by a white strip of cotton, and her short, floating skirt, also in white cotton, seemed as if it would lift at the slightest gust of wind – having said that, there was no gust of wind; God is merciful and compassionate.

  She was calm, and she smiled, and didn’t seem afraid at all – I was the one, let’s be honest, who was afraid. Her expression was one of kindness and happiness – I knew at first sight that in her life she had only had happy experiences, with animals, men, even with employers. Why did she come towards me, young and desirable, that summer afternoon? She and her friend wanted to check the pressure of their tyres (the pressure of the tyres on their car, I’m expressing myself badly). It’s a prudent measure, recommended by roadside assistance organisations in almost all civilised countries, and some others as well. So that girl wasn’t just kind and desirable, she was also prudent and sensible; my admiration for her was growing by the second. Could I refuse her my help? Obviously not.

  Her companion was more in line with the standards one expects of a Spanish girl – deep black hair
, dark brown eyes, tanned skin. She was a bit less hippie-cool, well, she was certainly cool, but a bit less of a hippie, with a slightly sluttish quality. Her left nostril was pierced by a silver ring, the strip of fabric over her breasts was multicoloured, with very aggressive graphics, run through with slogans that might have been called punk or rock, I’ve forgotten the difference – let’s call them punk-rock slogans for the sake of simplicity. Unlike her companion, she wore shorts, which was even worse; I don’t know why they make shorts so tight, it was impossible not to be hypnotised by her arse. It was impossible, I didn’t do it, but I concentrated again quite quickly on the situation at hand. The first thing to look for, I explained, was the desirable tyre pressure, taking into account the model of the car: it usually appeared on a little metal plate soldered to the bottom of the driver’s seat door.

  The plate was indeed in the place I suggested, and I felt their admiration for my manly abilities growing. Since their car wasn’t very full – they even had surprisingly little luggage, only two light bags that must have contained a few thongs and the usual beauty products – a pressure of 2.2 kbars was easily enough.

  All that remained was the pumping operation itself. The pressure of the front offside tyre, I observed, was only 1.0 kbars. I spoke to them seriously, indeed with the slight severity afforded to me by my age: they had done the right thing in coming to me, it was only a matter of time and they might have unwittingly put themselves in real danger: under-inflation could lead to a loss of grip, or veering, and in time an accident was almost inevitable. They reacted with naive emotion, and the chestnut-haired girl rested a hand on my forearm.

  It must be admitted that those contraptions are tedious to use, you have to check the hiss of the mechanism, and you often have to fiddle about to fit the nozzle over the valve. Fucking’s easier; in fact, it’s more intuitive – I was sure that they would have agreed with me on that point but I couldn’t see how to broach the subject; so in short I did the front offside tyre, then the rear offside tyre, while they were crouching beside me, following my movements with extreme attention, trilling ‘Chulo ’ and ‘Claro que sí ’ in their language; then I passed the task to them, instructing them to attend to the other tyres, under my paternal surveillance.

  The darker girl – I sensed she was more impulsive – started off by attacking the front nearside tyre, and it became very hard; once she was kneeling – her bottom swelling in her mini-shorts, so perfectly round, and moving as she tried to control the nozzle – I think the chestnut-haired girl was aware of my unease, and briefly put an arm around my waist, a sisterly arm.

  At last the time came for the rear nearside tyre, which the chestnut-haired girl took charge of. The erotic tension this time was less intense, but an amorous tension was gently superimposed upon it, because all three of us knew that it was the last tyre, and now they would have no choice but to continue on their journey.

  But they stayed with me for several minutes, twining words of thanks and graceful movements, and their attitude wasn’t entirely theoretical – at least that’s what I tell myself now, a few years on, when I find myself remembering that I did, in the past, have an erotic life. They talked to me about my nationality – French, I don’t think I’d mentioned it – about whether I liked the area, and they particularly wanted to know if I knew of any nice places nearby. In a sense, yes: there was a tapas bar that also served large breakfasts, just opposite my residence. There was also a nightclub a little further off, which one might at a pinch have called nice. There was my place, I would have put them up for at least a night, and I have the feeling (but I may be inventing this in retrospect) that that could have been really nice. But I didn’t say anything about any of that; I gave them a summary, explaining broadly that the region was pleasant (which was true) and that I felt happy there (which was false, and Yuzu’s imminent arrival wasn’t going to make things any better).

  * * *

  They left at last, waving broadly; the Volkswagen Beetle did a U-turn in the car park and then headed down the slip road to the motorway.

  At that moment several things could have happened. If we’d been in a romantic comedy, after a few seconds of dramatic hesitation (important at this stage is the actor’s art, I think Kev Adams could have pulled it off), I would have leapt to the wheel of my Mercedes 4x4, and quickly caught up with the Beetle on the motorway, overtaking it while making slightly idiotic hand gestures (as rom-com actors do). The car would have pulled up on the hard shoulder (in fact, in a classic rom-com there would probably have been only one girl, probably the chestnut-haired one), and various touching human acts would have taken place, in the blast of the lorries that rushed past us a few metres away. It would have been in the screenwriter’s interest to crank up the dialogue for that scene.

  If we’d been in a porn film, what happened next would have been more predictable, but with less emphasis on the dialogue. All men want fresh, eco-friendly girls who are keen on threesomes – or almost all men, me at any rate.

  * * *

  But this was reality, so I went home. I found myself with an erection, which was hardly surprising given the afternoon’s events. I gave it the usual treatment.

  Those girls, particularly the chestnut-haired one, could have given meaning to my stay in Spain, and the disappointing and banal conclusion of my afternoon cruelly stressed something obvious: I had no reason to be here. I had bought this apartment with Camille, and for her. It was a time when we were making plans together: a family base, a romantic mill in the Creuse or somewhere, perhaps the only thing we hadn’t imagined was having children – and even that hadn’t mattered at a particular point. It was the first time I had bought a house, and it remained the only one.

  She had taken an immediate liking to the place. It was a little naturist colony, quiet and far away from the huge tourist complexes that stretch from Andalusia to the Levant, whose population essentially consisted of pensioners from Northern Europe – Germans, Dutch, sometimes Scandinavians, with the inevitable English, of course; curiously, on the other hand, there were no Belgians even though everything in the resort – the architecture of the buildings, the running of the shopping centres, the furniture in the bars – seemed to cry out for their presence: in fact it was a really Belgian neck of the woods. Most of the residents had had careers in teaching, public service in the broadest sense of the term, intermediate professions. Now they were finishing their lives peacefully; they weren’t the last to turn up for an aperitif, and they cheerfully strolled about with their drooping buttocks, their redundant breasts and their inactive cocks from bar to beach, beach to bar. They didn’t make a fuss, they didn’t start any neighbourhood squabbles: they civically spread towels over the plastic chairs in the No Problemo (in the colony it was an accepted politeness to put down a towel as a way of avoiding contact between furniture that was intended for collective use, and the private and possibly moist parts of the guests) before immersing themselves with exaggerated attention in the study of a menu, albeit a rather short one.

  Another clientele, smaller in number but more active, consisted of Spanish hippies (adequately represented, it pained me to realise, by those two girls who had asked me for help in pumping up their tyres). A brief detour through the recent history of Spain may be of use here. With the death of General Franco in 1975, Spain (more precisely Spanish youth) found itself facing two contradictory trends. The first, which was a direct outcome of the 1960s, placed great stress on free love, nudity, the emancipation of the workers and that kind of thing. The second, on the other hand – which took centre-stage in the 1980s – valued competition, hard-core porn, cynicism and stock options; well, I’m simplifying, but you have to simplify sometimes or you end up with nothing. The representatives of the former, whose defeat was programmed in advance, gradually retreated towards nature reserves, like this modest naturist resort where I had bought an apartment. Had that programmed defeat been definitive? Some phenomena long after the death of General Franco, such as th
e indignados, might suggest the contrary. As did, more recently, the presence of those two girls at the Repsol filling station at El Alquián, on that grim and unsettling afternoon – was the feminine of indignado an indignada? Had I therefore been in the presence of two ravishing indignadas? I would never know – I hadn’t been able to bring my life anywhere near theirs; though I could have suggested that they visit my naturist colony, they would have been in their natural environment there, and perhaps the dark one would have left but I’d have been happy with the chestnut-haired one. Well, at my age, promises of happiness became a bit vague but for several nights after that encounter I dreamt of the chestnut-haired girl coming and ringing my doorbell. She had come to look for me, my wandering in this world had come to an end, she had come back to save my cock, my being and my soul all at once. ‘Come into my house, and be my lovely mistress.’ In some of my dreams she specified that her dark friend was waiting in the car, wondering if she could come up and join us; but that version became more and more infrequent, the scenario grew simpler and in the end there wasn’t even a scenario; immediately after I had opened the door we entered a luminous and indescribable space. These ramblings continued for just over two years – but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

  * * *

  The following afternoon, I would have to go and collect Yuzu from Almería airport. She had never been here, but I was sure she would hate the place. She would have nothing but disgust for the Nordic pensioners, and nothing but contempt for the Spanish hippies, as neither of those two groups (which coexisted without great difficulty) had anything to do with her elitist vision of social life and of the world in general – all of those people definitely lacked class, and besides I had no class, I just had money, quite a lot of money (the result of circumstances which I will perhaps relate when I have time), and with that said, basically everything that there is to say about my relationship with Yuzu has been said. Of course I had to leave her, that much was obvious, and we should never even have moved in together, except that it took me a long time, a very long time, to regain control of my life, as I have said before, and I was mostly incapable of doing even that.